Diaries of a Broken heart
by cowbell2011
Summary: What if Harry and Ruth wrote undelivered letters to each other while Ruth was in Cyprus?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is an idea I had, and I'm not sure if it's going to work or not but I'll give it a go. Basically, I thought it would be nice to see what was going through Harry and Ruth's heads while Ruth was in Cyprus. The story will be in like a diary format, each date having an entry from both Harry and Ruth. Where events from the series are mentioned, I'll take the airdates of the episodes, and assume that's what the date was when the events happened. I'd love your feedback on this, good or bad, so I know if I should carry on with it!**

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><p><strong>9th<strong>** October 2006**

She's gone. I can't believe she's gone. It's all that bastard Mace's fault. I've a good mind to murder the little weasel. But no, that won't bring Ruth back. I need to focus on clearing her name so she can come back to England. To me. I'll start first thing in the morning. Right now, I'm going to get very friendly with the bottle of scotch in my kitchen.

That kiss. Oh the kiss, it was wonderful. It was better than I could ever have imagined. If only it hadn't been a goodbye kiss. She begged me not to tell her I love her, but I do, with all my heart and it's killing me knowing I may never see her again. I can't help but wonder, what if I had done things differently? What if I had trusted her? I change my earlier statement, it isn't Mace's fault she's gone, it's _mine._ What an idiotic man. No wonder she wouldn't go to dinner with me again. I couldn't even trust her when she needed me to. My best analyst, never mind the fact I'm madly in love with her. My best analyst and I didn't take her seriously.

When will I ever learn? I failed miserably with Jane. My children don't want anything to do with me. And Ruth. This wonderful, kind, beautiful, intelligent woman actually has feelings for me, and I ruin it in every conceivable way. I can't stop thinking about her. I don't think I ever will. I wonder if she arrived safely. If she has enough money to last her. What kind of job she will have. Whether or not she will meet someone. God, I hope she doesn't meet someone. No. That's so incredibly selfish of me. I've ruined her life and she's lost everything she's ever known because of me. She deserves to be happy wherever she is now.

I just wish there was some way for me to get a message to her or vice versa. It would be very risky, but just to hear her voice for a second or to read a letter from her...She's only been gone a few hours and already it feels like my life has fallen apart. I will go to work tomorrow and I will throw myself into it. Terrorists had better beware. I'm going to keep making these entries for you Ruth. Then one day, if you and I are reunited, I WILL say that wonderful thing that was never said, and I will show you these letters and you will see how much I love you.

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><p><strong>10<strong>**th**** October 2006**

The driver of the boat must have thought I was some raving lunatic. I cried all the way to France. I dropped my money all over the deck of his boat when the time came to pay him. I was such a mess, I had to take a moment to compose myself before getting onto the bus that would take me to Cyprus. The whole of the bus journey, all I could think about was the kiss. _Harry. _How I wished I had never turned down his offer of a second date. At least then we would have had a few more moments together, despite how brief they might have been. Damn me for caring what other people think. He had taken it so badly as well. Walking out of his office that day had been the hardest thing I had ever had to do.

I suppose I'll have to try and stop thinking about him now, I'm never going to see him again. Like that's going to happen. I could never stop thinking about him when he was in my life every day. Now that I've lost him it'll be even harder. Especially now I know the feel of his lips. The faint taste of scotch in his mouth, and the slightest feel of stubble on his cheeks as I had caressed them with my hands. I knew he was going to tell me that he loved me. And I knew there was no way I ever would have gotten on the boat if I had let him say it. I saw the heartbreak in his eyes as I told him to leave it unsaid, and I knew he could see the same in mine.

Now, I must stop thinking about him. He's not in my life anymore. My life now consists of finding a bed for the night and then a job in the morning. I don't have a clue where I'll live in Cyprus, what job I'll do. I just know that it's not too far away from London, from Harry, should I ever need to go back. Not that I would need to go back, since I'm dead as far as they're all concerned.

The bus is pulling into the station now, so I must go and find a hotel, or bed and breakfast, anywhere to put my head for the night. Then in the morning I will begin my new life, the life without the man I love. I'm going to carry on writing these letters for you Harry. Maybe one day you will read them, and they will say what I never could to your face, my love.

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><p><strong>AN: What do we all think?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews, I never expected such a positive reception for the first installment of this chapter. So, since it seems wanted, here's chapter 2. I had at first intended to keep this really angsty and stick to no contact between them at all until Ruth returned in 8.1, but...well let's just say we'll see! ;) **

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><p><strong>18th October 2006<strong>

I missed you terribly yesterday Ruth. I mean, I miss you terribly every single day of course, so much it hurts. But today, I needed your analyst skills badly. Your replacement is...well, she's not you. The first day I walked onto the grid after you left I thought I was losing my mind, I kept seeing you everywhere, hearing your voice. It didn't help that the team kept coming to me and complaining about your replacement. We had a mole in our midst and it wasn't until the last second that we realised. I just know if you had been here you would have figured it out.

I worry about Adam too. He's like a son to me, and I can see he's struggling with the loss of Fiona. You know I'm not an emotionally forthright person, what with all my limitations, but I feel like I need to talk with him. I just can't find the right words. Somehow I know you would be able to find them.

The urge to find you and get on the next available flight to wherever you are grows stronger every day. I know it wouldn't take me very long at all to get your name, your location, your job. I'm even sure that Malcolm knows it. I see him looking at me with such pity, and guilt, when he thinks I won't notice. He feels to blame for you not wanting a second dinner with me. Did he ever tell you that I wonder?

He came to me the day after you turned me down, apologising profusely for putting his foot in it. I told him not to worry, that you weren't the type to be swayed by that kind of talk. I didn't want him to feel bad, he's the closest thing to a friend I've got now that you're not here. I know I could talk him into giving me your new name. Threaten him with a posting in Siberia. But still I resist. I've caused you enough pain and suffering already, I couldn't bear it if my selfishness put you in anymore danger. I'm keeping these letters in a box in the safe in my office. I write them late at night when everybody else has gone home. I rarely leave before it gets dark these days. What do I have to go home for? Catherine is off in Israel again and out of contact. Even when she is in the country, things between us are fraught with tension. I doubt she would notice if I disappeared. And Graham...well, he still refuses to even acknowledge me. Anyway, as I was saying, I keep these letters in a box in my safe. The other item in that box is an engagement ring. I bought it the day I decided to ask you to dinner. Jumping the gun a bit I know, but in my mind I was convinced we were right for each other and it wouldn't have been long before I would need it. How wrong did I turn out to be?

I must leave to go home now my love, otherwise there will be no point in me returning home at all tonight. Know that I am thinking about you, and wherever you are, I hope you have found some happiness.

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><p><strong>18<strong>**th**** October 2006**

How I wish you were here with me Harry. These first few days in Cyprus have been so hard. Speaking the language has helped, but I know nobody, and the locals all look at me like I'm some kind of imposter. What I wouldn't give to be here with you as part of your Grand Tour right now. I always imagined that the next time I would go to Europe it would be with you. I know I told you I wouldn't have dinner with you again, but my resolve was crumbling very quickly, and if not for Mace's intervention, I probably would have changed my answer that day.

I've found a nice little house overlooking the beach. It's cheap enough for me to afford with the money Zaf gave me before I left, but I will need to find a job soon to support myself. For now, I'm just adjusting to being somewhere new. I spend most nights crying into my pillow, wishing things were different and missing you so much it hurts. I wonder what you are doing this very moment, or if you are missing me as much as I miss you.

Most of all, I worry about you Harry. I worry that you will have gotten yourself into trouble without your best analyst to guide you. I'm scared that you could get hurt or worse...die...and I would never know. I've been scouring the English papers every day since I got here, looking for any clues for something that could have happened. I know 'gas leak' means possible radioactive material. I know 'power outage' means failed terrorist attack. But often I'm left wondering if I'm reading too much into things. Of course, I know that even if something had happened to you, it would never be announced in the papers. I would go on living my miserable life out here, never knowing you had been hurt or killed. That is what scares me the most about my current situation Harry.

It's because of this that my resolve has only taken a week to crack, and I'm going to think of a way to contact you. I know it'll have to be ingenious to fool everybody else and not get me or you into trouble, but don't worry my love, I'll come up with something. I will wait a few more weeks until the furore over my 'death' has passed, then I'll get to work. However long I end up living here, I know I won't be able to get through it without some kind of contact from you, even if it's just to know that you're alive and well. Because I love you Harry, and I need to know that you're OK. Be safe, my love.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: The names in this chapter are made up, so any similarities are coincidental. Same goes for the e-mail addresses. The book 'The Spirit of Romance' is real, and is by a man named Barry Davidson. I must admit to merely searching for it online, and not having actually read it. I'm not crazy about this chapter. This fic isn't turning out as I imagined at all, but hopefully you're all enjoying it anyway and I must give some thought into changing it up a little in future chapters. Anywho, thanks for the reviews so far and here it is...**

**12****th**** November 2006**

I've done it Harry. I've finally made contact with you. I hope you realise it's me when you get it. I was terribly discreet. Not wanting to risk an actual message, I've settled for sending you a single item this time. I hope that if this passage of contact goes without a hitch I can move on to a proper message sometime in the future. Wrapping it and sending it had me so nervous, I dropped the tape more times than I care to count. I stood outside the post office for nearly an hour debating whether I should go in and send it or not. In the end I did, knowing I just couldn't go any longer without some form of contact with you.

I've written an e-mail address in invisible ink on the inside of the front cover. Oh how I hope you think to check it. I'll be at the internet cafe every single day from now on, hoping to see a message from you.

My life here is simple. I've decorated my house simplistically. There is no need for a fancy decor or furniture when you live on your own. I have a job at the local hospital. It's clerical work, not what I imagined ever doing, but it passes the time and allows me the freedom to buy whatever I need. The people there are friendly and have welcomed me with open arms. There is one man...George his name is. He speaks to me often, and I see in his eyes that he likes me. You must know Harry that I love you and no other man could compare. I will let him down gently and hope we may still be friends. Life in Cyprus is lonely, and I need all the friends I can get. I'm no longer seen as an outsider in this town and, God forbid, I actually feel like I belong here now.

Please don't take that to mean that I'm moving on Harry, because I'm not. I still miss you terribly, and I cry myself to sleep most nights thinking about you. I yearn to know how you are, what you are doing. I drive myself crazy thinking about whether or not you even miss me or if you have forgotten about me already. I hope my gift reaches you safely and that you feel the urge to send a message back. If only to tell me that you're OK. At least then I can sleep easy at night. I love you Harry, please don't ever forget.

...

**From: Martin Smith [.com]**

**To: Rebecca Rigby [.com]**

**Date: 14-11-06 22:04**

**Subject: Gift**

Dearest Rebecca,

I thank you for the gift I received from you yesterday morning. 'The Spirit of Romance' has always been a favourite book of mine and it was a pleasant and most unexpected surprise to receive it from you. I have already read it cover to cover, and it is amazing what extra messages you find when re-reading a book, that often you miss the first time around.I must tell you that since you left for your trip to Europe, I have found something lacking in my life, and I wish greatly for your return. The disagreement between yourself and our mutual friend has not yet been resolved however, so I feel it prudent that you continue on your journey for at least a while longer. Feel safe in the knowledge that I am using the best of my limited abilities to see that your disagreement is resolved as soon as is humanly possible.

I feel obliged to tell you that our circle of friends all miss your presence, but are healthy and well. Our young friend is not coping well with the loss of his wife, but recent events have served to put things into perspective for him and I feel he may have turned a corner. I hope this message finds you well, and that wherever you may be, you are finding some pleasure in your surroundings.

Yours, Martin

...

**From: Rebecca Rigby [.com]**

**To: Martin Smith [.com]**

**Date: 15-11-06 09:04**

**Subject: RE:Gift**

Martin,

I am glad my gift reached you safely. It is true that you often find things you first missed when reading a book for a second or third time. I myself am finding this is also true of events in your life. One such event happened to me just before I left on my trip to Europe. A rather handsome man asked to take me for dinner and we had a wonderful time together. I refused a second date on the grounds that our friends would not approve. Upon reflection I realise that I missed the real reason that I turned him down. It was that I was scared of the intensity of my feelings for this man, so I had to push him away. It is remarkable indeed what insight can be gained through time and thought.

The news of our friends all being well is music to my ears. I am sure our young friend is in need of some comfort in this difficult time for him. Perhaps a shared bottle of whisky would not be inappropriate? I once knew a man who enjoyed a tipple now and then, and it never did him any harm. In fact, quite the opposite. He was the most magnificent man I ever had the fortune of meeting.

You may be pleased to know that I am getting along well with my trip. Money is not an issue and I have adequate facilities in which to stay. I have met some interesting people along the way, but it is not the same as being at home. I am glad to hear that efforts are being made to resolve my dispute. It was never my first option to leave behind my troubles, but I'm afraid I did not have the intelligence to outwit our mutual friend. I do hope that one day soon these issues can be settled so that I may return home.

I look forward to further correspondence from you.

Yours, Rebecca


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This is super super short, but it was necessary to the storyline. I hope the next chapter will make up for it!**

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><p><strong>From: Martin Smith <strong>

**To: Rebecca Rigby **

**Date: 07-12-06 20:34**

**Subject: Apologies**

Rebecca,

Firstly, I must apologise for the length of time it has taken me in replying to your previous message. My work takes me away for long periods of time on occasion, and it is only now I find myself with a chance to get away from it for some personal space. I will not bore you with the details of my work, but suffice to say, I have been working very long and hard hours. It may please you to know though, that I am in good health, as are our group of friends.

It occurred to me today that it is coming to the time of year where one might like to spend time with their loved ones, and I paused for thought over what you might be planning for the holiday season. I realise your trip is still in its infancy, and I worry that you may not have found new acquaintances with which to spend the Christmas period. My heart aches at the thought of you having to spend Christmas Day alone, as I will be. I hope that this will not be the case, and your holidays will be filled with joy. I would have liked to have sent you a gift, but as I do not know where you currently reside, it will sit safely in my wardrobe until you return, when I can hopefully give it to you then. I must keep this short, as I am not alone at my workplace tonight and I would not wish anybody else to witness the private nature of our communication. May you have a Merry Christmas Rebecca.

Yours, Martin

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><p><strong>From: Rebecca Rigby <strong>

**To: Martin Smith **

**Date: 08-12-06 09:57**

**Subject: RE:Apologies**

Martin,

Please do not ever apologise for your tardy replies. I understand the nature of a job that takes you away from your personal life for long periods of time, and I will happily wait as long as it takes for your next message, as long as you would ever inform me should you intend to stop this line of communication, so that I was not waiting forever. I am glad that you are in good health, I must admit to worrying about you on a daily basis, knowing the line of work you are in.

If I am to be perfectly honest with you Martin, and I want to be, as I feel that we have a real connection, it had not even crossed my mind that the Christmas period is coming. It is hot where I am, so traditional decorations and celebrations are somewhat subdued. Since I have only a small circle of friends, I had planned on spending the holiday by myself. A friend of mine did offer that I spend the day with him and his child, but it would not do in my opinion, to intrude on what is a day for families. And so it seems I am destined to spend the day as you will be, with only myself for comfort.

I must also keep communication brief this time. My colleagues have invited me to a local celebration in the town this afternoon, and I must attend in order to keep up appearances. Know that I shall be thinking about you though, especially over the festive period. I wish you a Merry Christmas, Martin.

Yours, Rebecca


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I've gone back to my standard story telling format for this chapter. I hope you like it. :)**

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><p><strong>25<strong>**th**** December 2006**

Ruth lay in bed watching the sunlight create patterns on her duvet covered form as the wind gently blew the tree outside her window in all directions. It felt strange for the weather to be so nice on Christmas Day. _But then nothing about my day today will be Christmassy_, she thought to herself with a sigh. She began to wish she had taken up George's offer of spending the day with him and Nico. They would have at least made her feel welcome, and George seemed to have accepted the fact she could not return his affections. She respected him for that. He did not ask questions or push her; he had merely smiled and hugged her when she had told him her heart belonged to somebody else. In another world, he would have been an ideal partner for her, but she just couldn't bring herself to think of anybody other than Harry in that way, especially when they were still communicating through e-mails.

_Harry._

She wondered what he would be doing today. His last e-mail had stated he would be spending the day alone and she felt for him, knowing already so early in the day how lonely that would be. She assumed he would spend the day in front of the television with a bottle of whisky, laughing at the black and white films that were shown and heckling the Queen's speech, before slumping into a drunken stupor for the evening. How badly she wished she could have spent the day with him. Opening presents sat before an over-decorated tree, eating a wonderful lunch and then lounging by the fire with a bottle of wine, content in each other's company. _Well that isn't going to happen, so get out of bed and at least make something of the day _she told herself. With a huge sigh, she threw the covers off herself and made her way into the bathroom.

Ruth was halfway through brushing her teeth when she heard a scratching noise at the door. Her spook instinct kicked in immediately, and she quickly ran to her bedroom to retrieve her ready packed bag and passport, throwing her toothbrush into the sink as she went. She was ready to run, where to she didn't know, but curiosity got the better of her and she decided to get a glimpse of who had come after her before she fled, thinking it might be useful in the future to know who had discovered she was alive.

Inching slowly along the hallway, she briefly wondered why the intruder had remained in the living room when it must have been immediately obvious she was not in there. With a shaking hand, she slowly pushed the door open a crack and peered through the tiny hole she had made, scrunching her eyes up to get a better view. All she could see was a pair of feet. Somebody was sat on her sofa. Deciding she didn't really want to know who was after her, Ruth made to move away from the doorway when the person inside spoke, and recognising the voice immediately, she stood rooted to the spot in shock.

'Are you going to come in Ruth or are you planning in skulking in the hallway all day?'

Ruth stood staring at the partially open door, for a second believing she had imagined the whole thing. Pinching herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming, she pushed the door open the rest of the way, her hand shaking even more than it had been previously. Now that she had an unobstructed view of her living room, she could see the person sitting on her sofa in all his glory.

_Harry._

'Harry. Wh...What are you?...'

Ruth could not complete an entire sentence, her voice trembling and her emotions getting the better of her. Harry smiled and stood, making his way over to her. She was still stood just outside the room, and he leaned against the doorframe when he reached her.

'I had to see you Ruth. The thought of you spending today on your own made me ache inside. I've taken precautions don't worry. I used a legend to get here. I flew to Greece then travelled here by car. Say hello to Mr. Carpenter.'

Ruth stared at Harry, still not able to speak as she processed these new developments. Realising that her lack of speech could be construed by Harry as her not wanting him here, she gently placed her hand on his chest as she whispered to him.

'How did you find me?'

'Ah, now that was tricky. Good job covering your tracks with the e-mails by the way, I had absolutely no luck there. You mentioned a local celebration in your last e-mail, so I trawled the internet for hours finding any news of such celebrations. I narrowed it down by knowing you were somewhere hot and in a similar time zone. I took my chances that you were here and asked the lovely gentleman in the local shop if he recognised your picture, and he led me to this house. I'm not Head of Section D for nothing, Ruth.'

Ruth couldn't believe that Harry had gone to all that trouble just to find her. Deep down she was glad. She hadn't seen him for months and had missed him terribly. A sudden urge to kiss him came over her and she took a step closer to him, moving her other hand onto his chest also. Harry responded by taking Ruth's hands in his own, making gentle circles on her skin with his thumbs. Harry lowered his head slowly, allowing Ruth time to pull away in case he had misread the situation. Pulling away was the last thing on Ruth's mind however, and she closed the remaining distance between them, pressing her lips softly to his. The kiss became more passionate when Harry opened his mouth, allowing Ruth to explore with her tongue. She felt Harry gently push her backwards and grunted in surprise as she felt her back hit the wall in the hallway. His kisses became more insistent and he pressed against her, his hands wandering over her pyjamas. _Pyjamas!_ Ruth suddenly became aware that she was still wearing her pyjamas, having only just gotten out of bed when Harry had made his presence known. She pushed him away quickly, placing one last kiss on his lips at his concerned look.

'Harry, I'm still in my pyjamas. Make yourself at home while I go and get dressed. We can continue this at a later date.'

Harry nodded and made his way into the living room, and Ruth stood and watched him with a smile on her face before moving off upstairs. _Maybe today won't be so bad after all._

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><p>'I'm sorry Harry, this is the best I could do. I hadn't been planning on, well, you know...since I was expecting to be on my own.'<p>

Ruth placed the plate before Harry and he nodded appreciatively at the pork chops and vegetables she had spent the last hour cooking in the kitchen.

'It looks wonderful Ruth. And truth be told, I'm starved, I'll eat anything.'

They ate in silence, enjoying each other's company. Harry tried to pretend he didn't notice that Ruth kept looking up and staring at him, but eventually his curiosity got the better of him and he put down his cutlery and looked her in the eye.

'Do I have something on my face Ruth? You're looking at me awfully strangely.'

Ruth sighed, also placing her cutlery on the side of her plate. She hadn't wanted to ruin the moment by voicing the question that was running through her mind, but she supposed she had to know eventually.

'How long are you...I mean, when do you have to go back Harry?'

'I can stay until tomorrow evening, then I have to get back to the grid or they will know something's wrong.'

Ruth nodded mutely, pushing her food around her plate aimlessly with her fork. Harry could tell the mood had been broken, and he pushed his own plate to the side, reaching over the table for Ruth's hand.

'Ruth, I would stay forever if I could. But it would look suspicious if I suddenly retired and emigrated to Cyprus less than a year after you supposedly died. I'm sorry Ruth, it's just too soon for me to do that. We have today and tomorrow though, let's just focus on that for now. I...I love you Ruth.'

Her hand holding the fork froze as Harry's words sunk in. She hadn't expected him to say it at that moment, but as she replayed his words over and over in her head, she realised she liked the sound of it. Dropping the fork in order to grasp his other hand, she looked him in the eye and smiled.

'I love you too Harry.'

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><p>Ruth was unsure how the situation had escalated so much without her realising. She found herself pinned to the sofa under Harry's delightful weight, his hands roaming over the soft delicate skin he had revealed by removing her blouse. His lips were doing wondrous things to her neck, and briefly she wondered how they had gone from talking about the Queen to being in this state of undress so quickly. Harry's shirt was hanging open, held together by a single button, and his belt had been removed, allowing Ruth easier access to the button and zipper on his trousers. Making quick work of them, she pushed his trousers down to reveal his boxers, and wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him close to her. She moaned as his lips made their way up her neck, his teeth nipping her ear lobe as he whispered how much he loved her over and over again.<p>

'Harry, let's move to the bedroom.'

He nodded his agreement, climbing off Ruth in one fluid motion. Before she could stand and follow him, he had pulled her up off the sofa and hoisted her into his arms. She shrieked at the suddenness of the action, laughing and wrapping her arms around his neck.

'I may be getting old Ruth, but there's life in this old dog yet. Now...which way?'

Ruth pointed him in the direction of her bedroom, and he slowly began the journey. His back creaked and protested at having to carry the weight of another person at his age, but he was determined he would get there without having to put her down. He made it just in time, gently placing Ruth on her bed and moving to lie next to her. They resumed kissing again immediately and no other words were spoken for the rest of the night.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So after the previous chapter, this story could have gone one of two ways. HR always live on suggested one of these routes in a review of a previous chapter, and after much thought I've decided to go with her suggestion. I hope this lives up to expectations!**

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><p><strong>From: Rebecca Rigby <strong>

**To: Martin Smith **

**Date: 05-01-07 12:28**

**Subject: Happy New Year**

Martin,

I hope this e-mail finds you well and that you had an enjoyable Christmas and New Year. I myself ended up having a lovely time over the festive period. I awoke on Christmas Day to find a wonderful surprise waiting for me in my living room, and it was perhaps the best two days of my life. The New Year period was not quite so spectacular for me however, as I was forced to spend it alone. This is not a new experience for me, but having had such a wonderful Christmas, it was quite an unhappy change in circumstances.

I trust you will reply to this as soon as you can. Know that I am eagerly awaiting your next correspondence.

Yours, Rebecca

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><p><strong>From: Martin Smith<strong>

**To: Rebecca Rigby**

**Date: 02-02-07 09:13**

**Subject: Gift**

Rebecca,

Firstly, let me apologise for having taken so long to reply to your previous message. As is usually the case, my work took me away from my personal life for an extended period of time yet again. However, there was another reason for the tardiness of my reply. I have been troubled by a dilemma recently, and it is one I have pondered for long periods, the answer having been out of reach for quite some time. Finally I have been able to make a firm decision, and I have sent you a gift that will explain what I am talking about. Forgive my being vague here, but you never really know who is watching or listening do you? The gift should be with you within the next few days.

Yours, Martin

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><p><strong>4<strong>**th**** February 2007**

Ruth sat on her sofa holding the package in her shaking hands. She could not bring herself to open it. Deep down, she knew what the contents were, and she thought that if she didn't open it then she could almost pretend it wasn't going to happen. Ever since reading Harry's last e-mail, she had a bad feeling that he was going to cut off all contact with her. They had parted on Boxing Day evening and she had begged him not to leave, to stay in Cyprus with her. They had both cried, embracing in a desperate hug before Harry had driven away from her. She had asked him when he would visit again and he hadn't been able to give her a precise date. This hadn't worried her; she knew the nature of his work meant he couldn't make promises like that. It was the far off look in his eye that had bothered her, and the way he had kissed her and said goodbye like it was for the very last time.

Releasing a huge breath she hadn't even realised she had been holding, she slowly began to peel the tape off the brown paper package. Once unwrapped, she turned the item over in her hands to reveal a beautiful hand crafted wooden frame, with a picture inside it that brought tears to her eyes. Stifling a sob, she ran her fingers over the glass, remembering the moment that the picture had been taken.

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><p><em><strong>4 years ago...<strong>_

_They had all piled into The George and drinks were immediately ordered. Harry had been coerced into buying the first round, the rest of the team still mildly angry at him for being part of the EERIE exercise. Once all seated around a table in the far corner of the pub, loud chatter and laughter had ensued. To the other drinkers in the establishment, it had merely been a group of office workers celebrating something on a night out. Nobody could have guessed it was a group of highly trained MI5 officers letting their hair down after a highly tense and fraught training drill. There had been groans all round when Danny had produced a camera, many of them not yet drunk enough to pose for pictures. That had not stopped him however, and he had enlisted the help of a passing man to take a picture of the whole team together, a memento of the ordeal they had just been through._

* * *

><p>Ruth smiled fondly at the memories. The faces looking up at her from behind the glass were happy, seemingly without a care in the world. She looked at herself in the picture, noticing how much younger she looked even though only four years had passed. Harry had been sat beside her that night, and she remembered how her stomach had fluttered when he had put his arm around her shoulders for the picture. That had been the first moment she realised she had begun to develop feelings for him, when the relief of finding out he wasn't dead and it had all been a drill had flooded through her. She took a moment more to admire the picture before remembering that there was supposed to be a message for her somewhere.<p>

Turning the frame back over again, she carefully removed the back and slid the picture out from behind the glass. Sure enough, underneath the glossy photo was a carefully concealed folded piece of paper. Her heart was beating ten times the speed it normally did as she unfolded the paper and began to read.

_Dearest Ruth,_

_I must begin by firstly apologising for having to do this in a letter. Saying what I have to say face to face would not have been possible. Looking into your eyes and seeing your reaction firsthand would have broken me, I'm afraid, and would have tempted me to have changed my mind. No doubt you have probably already figured out what I am going to say, you always were brilliantly intelligent and seem to know everything I'm thinking before I say it. I won't beat about the bush, I know you always appreciate frank honesty. _

_We must not contact each other anymore Ruth. My reasons for this are very clear. I want you to have a full and happy life, and I do not believe that you can have that whilst waiting for every tiny snippet of contact I can give you. Leaving you on Boxing Day was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it broke my heart to see you standing there crying as I drove off. You have no idea how much I wanted to stay with you Ruth, but it just isn't possible. I have exhausted every avenue in trying to prove your innocence, but nothing has yet proved fruitful. Oliver Mace still lurks the corridors of the Home Office on occasion, and I am still watched from a distance. If I were to retire and move to be with you, they would find us, of that I have no doubt. _

_I do not want you to have a life where you spend most of your time waiting for me. A couple of days every few months is not what I want for you Ruth, you deserve better. So it is with a very heavy heart that I must insist you try to forget about me and go and live your life. I'm not pretending it will be easy for either of us, but I think that it is what is best for you right now._

_Please know that I do love you Ruth, more than I thought I could ever love a woman. You will never leave my thoughts for as long as I draw breath, but I must let you go in order for you to find happiness. Go and live, Ruth._

_All my love,_

_Harry_

Ruth let the letter drift to the floor as the tears began to fall. She had known this was coming, but it didn't make it any easier. Her sobs wracked her body as she curled up into a ball on the sofa, and she stayed that way until she could not cry any longer and sleep overcame her.

* * *

><p>It was dark when Ruth awoke, and it took her a moment to realise why she was on the sofa still fully clothed. Then she noticed the letter from Harry on the floor and everything came flooding back to her. With an angry grunt, she snatched the letter off the floor and powered up her computer. She was not going to sit there and let Harry tell her what would make her happy. Logging onto her e-mail account, she was intent on giving him a piece of her mind. Typing furiously, she didn't even stop to look up at the screen until she had finished. She wavered briefly as the mouse hovered over the send button, wondering if she should send it or not. She had dispensed with the cover of Martin and Rebecca and simply told Harry exactly what she thought, and she worried now that if the e-mail got into the wrong hands it might get her into trouble. Deciding it was a risk she was willing to take in her current emotional state, she pressed send and waited as the page reloaded onto her inbox. It felt like her heart stopped beating when she saw the words 'Message Delivery Failure' flash up on the screen. Harry had closed down his e-mail account.<p>

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><p><strong>AN: Dun dun dunnnn! The next chapter will skip quite a bit into the future. Please leave a review if you have the time, they make me happy :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**4****th**** November 2009**

Harry looked around the room he was in, his trained eye watching for any possible route of escape. There was none however, and even if there had been, he wouldn't have gotten very far in the handcuffs that were painfully chafing his wrists. He watched Mani enter the room again, engaging him in idle chit chat to try and buy as much time as possible for his team to find him. His heart began to pound when Mani's reason for taking him became clear. The uranium. His first thought wasn't that he needed to keep the uranium safe. His first thought was of the person who had accompanied him on that trip to Baghdad. _Ruth. _They had not spoken to each other for nearly two years, ever since he had broken contact with her. He thought about her every day though, and his heart ached. He prayed to every available God that Mani believed she was dead and didn't know about her being in Cyprus. As Mani left the room, he let his thoughts wander back to that week he had spent in Baghdad with Ruth.

* * *

><p><strong>4 years ago...<strong>

**Baghdad**

'_I'm glad you agreed to come with me on this mission Ruth, I don't think I could have done it without you.'_

_Ruth looked up from her laptop and smiled at Harry, nodding at him before resuming her work. They had been in Baghdad for 5 days now and were close to completing their mission. All they had to do now was arrange safe transport of the uranium back to England and make sure they didn't get killed leaving the country themselves. Harry watched Ruth as she worked, glad for the chance to be able to relax with her, even though they were technically still in a work setting. The time they had spent in Baghdad had only reinforced his feeling that he was in love with her, he just didn't have a clue what was going through that beautiful mind of hers. Not wanting to make a fool of himself, or be the subject of a sexual harassment case, he decided he would wait and see if she made any move. _

_He was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of Ruth's laptop closing, and she began to move towards him. Worried that she somehow might have been reading his thoughts, he tensed up as she approached. It soon became clear however, that she was merely trying to get to the bathroom, and in their cramped and stuffy hotel room, she could not do that whilst he was sat on the edge of the bed with his legs stretched out in front of him. _

_He stood to let her past at the same time as she made a move to merely step over his legs, and his sudden movement caught her unawares. She stumbled, and Harry lurched forward to catch her. Ruth ended up in Harry's arms; their faces millimetres apart. They stared into each other's eyes for a second until Harry coughed, and seemingly the spell was broken. Ruth's voice wobbled as she spoke, her proximity to Harry clearly having had an effect on her._

'_I'll just erm...the bathroom. Yes, the bathroom, Harry.'_

_She took a step back from him and scurried into the bathroom. Sighing, he flopped onto the bed, deciding that once they were back in England, he would find the courage to ask her to dinner._

* * *

><p>Harry thought he might be hallucinating. He was thirstier than he ever thought possible, the water in Mani's bottle sounding ridiculously loud and looking extremely inviting. It took him a moment to focus on what Mani was saying, but his senses became alert immediately as his worst fears were confirmed.<p>

'There is a woman though who also knows what I want. The one who was with you in Baghdad.'

Harry's heart pounded as he tried to convince Mani that Ruth was dead, without much success. As he was left yet again in the room by himself, he could only hope and pray that Ruth was smart enough not to be caught by these people.

* * *

><p><strong>Polis, Cyprus<strong>

Ruth watched Nico swimming in the pool, making sure he didn't get himself into any bother. Slicing the peppers, she popped a piece in her mouth and turned as she heard George approaching from behind. She sent him off into town to get wine, watching him as he left. It had taken her 6 months of constant crying and barely leaving the house after Harry had cut off contact with her before she felt able to continue with her life. She was angry with Harry for the way he had ended things between them, but she still loved him as much as she had the last time she had seen him, and it was for that reason that she hadn't been able to give her heart to George. He was a wonderful man, he hadn't pushed her once, letting her set her own pace. They had been together for a year now and he had accepted her reluctance to marry officially with his usual laid back attitude. She would never tell him it was because she was still in love with Harry. She had led George to believe her dislike of marriage was down to a previous unsuccessful attempt in her past life in the UK. Ruth felt bad for lying to him, but she knew she would never get over Harry, and if she was to live her life like he had told her to, she would just have to get used to him constantly being in her thoughts.

Picking some fresh herbs, she heard the sound of a car approaching and stood to see who was visiting her. Normally the only visitors they had were George's family, but they always called ahead to warn them. Immediately she knew something was wrong. The occupants of the car were so out of place, in their suits and sunglasses. They were of Indian origin, and stared at her as the car came to a halt. Walking into the house, her mind briefly wondered at the similarity between this situation and the one she had thought she had been in on Christmas Day 3 years ago when it had turned out to only be Harry. Grabbing her still pre-packed bag and the three passports from the drawer, she ran back outside, seeing the attackers approaching a very confused looking Nico.

'Get in the car!'

Nico followed Ruth and they both scrambled into the small car, just escaping their attackers in the nick of time.

* * *

><p>Harry watched wearily as Mani again entered the room, wondering what mind games he would attempt to play this time. His heart sank as he saw Ruth being led in with him, her hands tied in front of her. It was the first time they had seen or spoken to each other since he had cut off all contact with her so long ago. Their eyes met and in that second they told each other everything they needed to say without speaking any words. Harry's eyes said that he was sorry, that he had thought it would be for the best, that he loved her so very much and that he was distraught she had been dragged into his mess yet again. Ruth's eyes told him that she was angry at him, angry that he hadn't given her any choice in his decision and had abandoned her without even a proper goodbye, but that she still loved him all the same, and that she was scared. Neither of them listened to Mani speaking as they gazed into the other's eyes. Harry hated that they had met again under these circumstances; there was so much he wanted to say to Ruth, but couldn't. He became angry as Mani tried to belittle their relationship. Insulting him wouldn't make their situation any worse, but it made Harry feel better about himself.<p>

'I wouldn't speculate about it too much, it's probably a bit beyond your vulgar little mind.'

He could see in Ruth's eyes that she was thinking back to their time in Baghdad, and wondered briefly if she was thinking of the same moment he had been thinking of earlier. Harry watched with anticipation as Mani and his men left the room, glad that he would finally be able to talk to Ruth without interruption.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Now the big question is, do I still kill George, or do I make the road to fluff a lot easier by having him saved? I have in my mind which way I would like to go but I'm interested in what you all think?**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Quite short, but I wanted this conversation to have a chapter all of its own. Hope it's alright! Oh yeah, and apologies in advance for the naughty word. :)**

* * *

><p>Harry watched Ruth intently, waiting for her to be the first to say something. A few minutes went by and still she simply sat there staring at him with the same angry look in her eyes. Deciding he didn't want to waste this opportunity if the worst happened and they didn't survive this scenario, he looked Ruth in the eye and began to speak.<p>

'Ruth, I don't even know where to start. Sorry doesn't even cut it I know, but I am Ruth, I am so terribly sorry for everything.'

He looked expectantly at her, hoping for her to accept his apology, however unlikely it might be. But instead she merely kept sitting in silence, only now her eyes had taken on a sadder look and he could tell she was thinking and analysing what he had just said. He drew breath to speak again but she beat him to it.

'What are you sorry for Harry? That I had to leave my life, leave you, and go to a foreign country all by myself? That you spent two wonderful days with me before giving up all hope and leaving me via a letter? That I spent six months crying over you before I could even leave the house? Or are you sorry that I have to feel guilty every time I kiss my husband because I'm thinking of you instead?'

Ruth knew the last sentence of her speech would create the exact reaction in Harry that she had hoped for. She knew it was petty to want to hurt him and make him jealous like that, but seeing him for the first time since he had hurt her so badly had brought all those feelings of despair crashing back to her and she lashed out without thinking.

Her speech had the desired effect; Harry looked crushed at the mention of a husband. Feeling guilty immediately, she began to backtrack.

'No Harry, he's not really my husband. I mean, we never officially married. But I do...' she whispered.

'You do what?'

Harry's voice had also lowered to a whisper as he sensed a turning point in Ruth's hostility towards him. She looked him square in the eye before continuing, and he could see the tears shining in her eyes.

'Think about you every time I kiss him.'

He could tell that she was about to burst into tears, the guilt at her admission radiating off her in waves. Sensing that she had revealed more than she had intended to about her relationship with George, he decided to change the subject slightly.

'Ruth, I meant every word in that letter. I honestly thought it would be best for you to...'

'Don't you DARE tell me what's...what's best for me Harry. That's my choice. Mine! You didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face. What was I? A quick Christmas fuck because you felt lonely on the day?'

Harry looked at her in shock. Partly because he had never heard her use that word before, and partly because he was terribly hurt that she would think he could ever use her like that.

'God, no Ruth. NO. I love you. I have always loved you. Letting you go like that broke my heart. But I saw how you were when I left on Boxing Day. I couldn't put you through that every time I left. Waiting for months for me only to have a couple of days at a time. It was selfish of me Ruth to expect you to live like that.'

He watched her carefully, noting how her body language had become almost defeated. She sniffled for a while, shaking her head at him as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Expecting another outburst from her, he was surprised when her next statement came out as a quiet whisper, and he had to strain to hear it.

'I would have done it Harry. For you. I would have waited a lifetime for just a moment with you.'

His heart broke at her words, and he realised he had made a terrible mistake all those years ago. A solitary tear slipped down his cheek and he surreptitiously wiped it away with his cuffed hands. Ruth noticed the movement, and repeated the action herself to clear away her own tears. They sat in silence again for a moment, just taking each other in. The question that Harry had been dying to ask was burning away inside of him, and he decided to take the risk and voice it, fearing he had nothing to lose at this point.

'Do you love him?'

Ruth looked angry for a moment that Harry had dared bring up the subject of George again. She opened her mouth and Harry prepared himself for another barrage of deserved abuse and foul language, but none came. Ruth drew breath, but paused, and whatever she had been planning to say seemed to die on her lips. Slumping back into her chair, she looked Harry in the eye and muttered just one word that, considering the dire situation they were currently in, made his day.

'No.'


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: This will be the last chapter for this one, so I can focus on 12 Days of Christmas and Love Will Always Win. Hope you've all enjoyed this...**

* * *

><p>Harry didn't know what to say. He could feel the tension in the room from Ruth's admission, and looking into her eyes he knew she hadn't planned on telling him the truth. Her lips were trembling and she was on the verge of tears. All he wanted to do was comfort her, but even if they hadn't been in their current terrible situation, he didn't know if his comfort would have been welcome. The moment was broken by Mani re-entering the room, laptop in hand.<p>

'Ok, time to get serious now. Where's the uranium?'

Harry felt utterly useless when Mani was able to push him back down into the chair with one hand. He hadn't eaten, drank or slept in 24 hours and he was running on adrenalin alone. Even if an opportunity to escape presented itself, in all likelihood he would be too weak to take it anyway. Looking into Ruth's eyes, he felt a sudden surge of energy course through his veins. If an opportunity to escape arose, he _would_ take it, no matter what, because he would never let any harm come to her.

Ruth felt sick to her stomach as an image of George and Nico playing football appeared on the screen of the laptop. She had been hoping Mani wouldn't have stooped so low as to use her family against her, but clearly he was even more of a monster underneath his tidy, clean cut appearance than she could ever have imagined.

'Please...don't do anything to them.'

Harry's heart broke at the fear he detected in Ruth's voice. He already knew which direction this conversation was going to go in. Having moved the uranium without telling Ruth, she would give Mani the wrong location, and more than likely her family would be killed. Giving Mani the real location was not an option; a dirty bomb could kill hundreds of thousands of people, perhaps even millions. Stalling for as long as possible was his only option, only time could save the man and boy now.

Harry wracked his brain, trying to think of a way to waste as much time as possible. Panicking when he heard Ruth give what she thought was the location of the uranium, he did the first thing that came to his mind, and lashed out at the chair holding the laptop with his foot. It fell to the floor and he heard it break with a satisfying smash. He hoped his plan would give Ros and the team enough time to track them down, because if he had to watch either member of Ruth's family die, he knew she would never forgive him.

* * *

><p>'I found Hillier's safe house. It must be where they are holding Ruth's husband and child.'<p>

Malcolm felt the relief wash over him, thankful that his error could now be put right.

'Good work Malcolm, have CO19 meet me there, I have a feeling I'll have more luck getting Ruth and Harry's location from one of McCall's underlings.'

Malcolm nodded, striding quickly back to his desk and picking up the phone purposefully. Never in his life had he been so nervous. It was the first time he could remember having made such a terrible mistake, and it made him realise that perhaps he was getting too old for this.

* * *

><p>The new laptop had taken just under 30 minutes to arrive. Clearly Mani hadn't been prepared for every eventuality, having to send one of his men back to their safe house for a new one. The time had passed all too quickly though, and soon enough they were back to square one, George and Nico appearing on the grainy screen, still playing football.<p>

'Listen Mani, I'm not going to tell you where the uranium is. No matter what you do.' Harry winced as he heard Ruth call him a heartless bastard, but he carried on anyway. ' I can make you a deal. New passport. Money. Isn't that better than three dead adults and a dead child?'

Harry watched as Mani stood at the window seemingly contemplating his offer. When he turned, he still wore that same smug look on his face that immediately told Harry there was nothing he could offer him that would prevent him from killing them all. At that very moment two things happened in quick succession.

The screen on the laptop went blank, and Mani rushed to it, fiddling with the keys to try to restore the image. After a moment it came back on, but instead of showing George and Nico playing football, it showed Ros looking up at the camera, her gun pointed at the head of the thug who had been supervising the safe house.

'No no no!'

Mani shouted, jumping up from the laptop just as the second occurrence began. Lucas burst through the door, gun at the ready. In a flash he assessed the situation, and with precision, he took out first the guard holding the machine gun, and then Mani who had lunged towards Ruth with a knife. As the commotion ceased, Harry felt pure relief. The first thing he did was look at Ruth, and he could only watch helplessly as she burst into tears.

* * *

><p>Harry lingered at a safe distance in the airport as Ruth said goodbye to George and Nico. She had decided not to go back with them, feeling immensely guilty that they had been dragged into her mess and their lives put at risk. Although she hadn't yet told Harry, another reason for her wanting to stay in England was him. After admitting that she didn't love George while they had been held captive, it had made her realise that she was still madly in love with Harry; in fact she had never stopped loving him. Embracing George and Nico one last time, she left the father and son at the terminal and climbed into the back of Harry's car. She only spoke five words to him once the doors had shut and they were moving, but to Harry, they were the best five words he could possibly have heard.<p>

'Take me to your house.'

* * *

><p>They had sat in silence at the kitchen table for 10 minutes, neither knowing quite what to say. Harry was afraid that he would say something to anger Ruth again, and Ruth was still feeling guilty over what she had put George and Nico through.<p>

'I never told him you know.' Harry looked up as Ruth finally spoke.

'What?'

'That I didn't love him. How much of a coward does that make me? He told me at the airport that he knew I had always loved somebody else, but he stayed with me anyway because he loved me. I don't deserve any kind of happiness after what I've done.'

Harry reached across the table suddenly, taking Ruth's cold hands in his own. He softly stroked her skin to warm it up before intertwining their fingers, delighted when she didn't pull away.

'You _do _Ruth. If anybody in this world deserves happiness, it is you. You're the kindest, most considerate person I've ever met.'

A sob escaped from Ruth's mouth at Harry's admission, and he moved quickly from his seat to Ruth's side of the table, kneeling before her on the hard kitchen floor. Her fingers were still tangled in his and he moved them up to his chest over his heart, spreading her fingers so that she could feel his heartbeat through the material of his shirt.

'This beats for you Ruth. It always has. I understand if you don't...if you can't...after today, but I need you to let me say Ruth...that I...I love you. I've always loved you.'

There was no other sound for a moment except for Ruth's quiet sobs and Harry wondered if he had gone too far too soon. He began to rise from the floor and take his previous position on the chair opposite, but Ruth removed her hands from his chest and pressed down on his shoulders lightly.

'I missed you so much Harry. I love you too. Of course I do.'

Her voice was a whisper, and Harry had to strain to hear her, but a smile appeared on his lips at her words and she pulled him up off the floor into a tight hug. Harry pulled back from Ruth's embrace slightly and reached up to trace her jaw line with his fingers. He was overjoyed when she leaned into his touch, and he took it as a sign that he could go further. Leaning forward, he captured her lips in the most gentlest and loving of kisses and Ruth reciprocated eagerly, finally feeling like she was home.


End file.
